Bye, bye carbs. I'll miss you.

Today is the day when I finally dig in and do something about the flab that has settled into a very specific region of my body extending from roughly just below my cheekbones to right above my knees. For the last three summers I've vowed to lose weight so I will look more like a babe and less like Babe in my bathing suit, but so far vowing alone hasn't gotten me much in the way of actual weight loss. Apparently it is necessary to actually change your diet in order to get any thinner.

Having accepted this bitter truth, I am changing my former fattening (yet oh so tasty) ways, and have started a NO CARB diet beginning this morning. I chose this particular route to babedom on the advice of a weight loss expert who just happens to be the clerk at the QT gas station where I stop to refuel my Mega SUV on a depressingly regular basis. This tiny, svelt little slip of a girl tells me she lost 18 pounds in six weeks on the Adkins diet.

Here's how I look at it: No carbs=faster weight loss=return to eating tasty carbs quicker. That's good enough for me.

And so, to the noble end of looking good in my wedding dress just four months hence, I have embraced a diet of meat, meat, and more meat along with a daily dose of 4 ounces of cheese and all the mayo I can handle. And for a little variety and some crunch I have pork rinds.

Pork rinds will take a while to embrace but I'm gagging, er, working on it but let's just be clear that giving up all the tasty foods in the world for a few weeks will be worth it if it turns me from this:

...into THIS:

Well, minus the penis and muscular chest, but you know what I mean.

Twenty--no, thirty--years from now as I sit in the nursing home eating tapioca (not butterscotch! never butterscotch!!!) pudding, I don't want to look at my photos and wonder why I didn't drop a few before the big day. So if eating mayo and pork rinds will make me look good in the wedding photos, then bring 'em on.

Praise Dr. Adkins and pass the pigskin please.