Mar 30, 2009

Text THIS, big man

My brother Bratley has a Blackberry and he knows how to use it. He can whip out the entire text of War and Peace in about the time it takes me to peck out the following message: :-)

As my text crazy family will attest, I suck at text messaging but even Bratley would have a hard time here:

video

Mar 27, 2009

Mar 24, 2009

Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

Dear Norman,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was locked in an embrace with the neighbor's daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor's daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Shelly


Dear Shelly:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps.

Norman

Mar 23, 2009

Butt Ugly Boat Update

Jim brought the furniture home on Saturday and what a difference! Here's a little before/after shot to show you just how far we've come.

There are a few more photos on my website right here. A couple more small projects still to go, and then the interior will be put on the back burner while we attack our list of projects for the outside.

PS It involves polishing compound and lots of wax.

PPS This is where you come in.

PPPS I'm looking at you, Matt.

Mar 22, 2009

How to lose your job on TV

This is an old clip but still ridiculously, painfully funny. If you have a job on a TV talk show, don't do this if you want to keep your job.

Seriously, don't do it.

video

Mar 19, 2009

Please, for the love of God, buy this boat

The deal is we own one boat too many, so in case you know anyone looking for a sweet Carver 350 Mariner that has been maintained in meticulous condition by an anal rententive engineer, we just happen to have one for sale. Go here for a video tour. We just reduced the price and are desperate open to offers.

PS Did I mention we are motivated to sell?

Mar 17, 2009

Salute to St. Patty

Here is your official Irish test: Ireland Quiz. I got most of them right which tells you how much useless crap is stuffed into my brain when I can hardly remember where I put my car keys.

Anyway, moving on with our St. Patty's theme, here is a photo of an authentic Irish leprechaun:


Okay, so that's not really a leprechaun. It's my husband after a quick trip through PhotoShop. But it is an accurate representation of what you'll feel like tomorrow if you drink too much green beer at the St. Patty's party tonight. So don't do that.

And finally, here is your official Irish Joke of the Day.


IRISH JOKE OF THE DAY:

'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'

'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'

'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'

'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'

(make vaudeville sound such as ba-domp! domp! here)

....And thus concludes our St. Patty celebration. Unless, of course, you want to drop by the house tonight with a six pack of Guinness beer, in which case the celebration can rock on until 7:30 or 8 PM when we tuck in for the night.

Signed,
Your O'Web Empress


PS. I think the joke might be funnier if you happen to be English

PPS. I think a certain Englishman is going to kick my butt when he sees that photo of himself looking like an Irish leprechaun.

PPPS. Just kidding about going to bed at 7:30. I'll stay up til 8:30 if you show up with the Guinness.

Mar 12, 2009

we get a bailout

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Mar 10, 2009

Landing in the Hudson

Sent to me my my email buddy, Dewey who always comes up with the very best, most interesting stuff:

"It's amazing what computer graphic artists can create. Attached is a re-creation of the US Air flight that made an emergency landing in the Hudson River, takeoff to touchdown with ATC radio transmissions. This gives you a perspective of how quickly the US air crew had to react to realize the outcome they experienced.

Note the tail of smoke which indicates the pilots began making very quick decisions long before they landed in the Hudson--when you realize they were supposed to fly
over the Hudson not down the Hudson."

video

Mar 6, 2009

Odd Body

My daughter Michelle found a website where you can put your face in odd bodies. For example, here are the girls as Coneheads:

...and here are Michelle and Tony decked out in some royal threads from the Medievel times:

Very sexy, yes? And since Michelle has been kicking my butt at our mutual goal of getting in shape for summer, she actually looks exactly like this photo. Brat.

...and here's Morley with Prince Charles' hair and me with Camilla Parker BowWow's double chin. Oh wait, that's my double chin. My bad.

But I would like to point out that is definitely Camilla's size 44 waistline. I just wanted to clear that up in case you wondered.

Mar 2, 2009

Snow in Atlanta

Disclaimer to relatives living in places where snow is normal: we don't get much of it down here so humor me while I talk about snow as if it was the rarest thing ever.

So. It snowed in Atlanta. It snowed a lot--about five inches worth. And what was really strange is it was a "thunder snow". The weather on Saturday was warm and balmy so when the cold front rolled through we had thunder and lightening...and snow. Thunder snow is very odd, indeed.

Shelby was fascinated by it. She had no earthly idea what that stuff was and kept sniffing at it and licking it and trying to eat it to figure it out. And then she made us a nice patch of yellow snow.

It was really cold too--not fit for man nor beast outside.

So I sent Morley out into the cold and snow to gather firewood. That's just what women do when it snows--send the men and beasts outside to gather firewood.

Every kid in Atlanta was outside making snowmen which they only have a chance to do a couple of times during their entire childhoods. It was great.

Of course the only reason we love snow is because on the rare occasions we get any of it, we know it won't hang around long enough to make life inconvenient. The weather will start warming up to normal today (its 20 degrees lower than is typical right now) and temps will be in the mid 70's by next weekend. If we had to put up with it for days or weeks at a time, we wouldn't be nearly as enamored by the white stuff.

Okay, I'm finished talking about snow now. Thanks for indulging me.