May 14, 2009

Q & A

I can't believe a whole week has flown by without an update here. To answer your burning questions:

(1) No, it wasn't worth it. Taking off for a two week vacation is absolutely fabulous, but coming home to a two week backlog of reality and a desk covered with paperwork screaming for attention is brutal.

(2) Heck yeah, we'd do it again. Probably next year at the same time.

(3) The wedding in England was wonderful. Actually it was more intimate and sweet than the original, and getting hitched in a castle is romantic beyond words. Plus it was fun meeting all of Morley's old college buddies--I only wish we'd had more time with them.

(4) It was a blast. Hanging out with our pals Les and Roz was toooooo much fun. We stayed with them for two days and ate like pigs, had too much wine one night, and laughed our heads off the whole time we were there. We came home determined to trick out our backyard to look more like theirs, which looks like it ought to be the centerfold in an English gardening magazine. At this moment our garden definitely does not look like something out of an English gardening magazine--it looks like something out of a farming magazine, specifically the issue devoted to out of control weed infestations. We'll start whipping it into shape after we slay our desk dragons (see item #1 above), but by all means will have made progress with it before they come visit us this Fall.

(5) Yes, I have. My cellphone which wandered off into oblivion the week before we left for England has now been replaced with an identical model, except the new one is red so I can see it without my glasses on. I still believe with all of my heart the old one is lying around here somewhere and will someday be returned to me by the merciful angel of Lost Cellphones.

(6) (a) No, I haven't. I'm still missing about 200 telephone numbers (literally) that were stored in my old cellphone so I'm collecting phone numbers like crazy. Actually I'm a phone number ho. I'm jones'ing real bad for some phone numbers. See that? My hands are shaking--that's how bad I need a phone number fix. So sad.

(6) (b) Yes, I so totally agree that only a dumb ass would fail to keep a back-up of all the phone numbers stored in their cellphone.

(7) Well, yes and no. The Butt Ugly Boat is looking pretty good on the inside, but now that warm weather is here the outside demands some serious attention. A good buffing and waxing session--or two--or ten--is in order. Y'all come visit, okay? And don't forget to bring your buffer.

(8) No, not one ounce. My earlier resolve to weigh less than a Buick station wagon by the time swimsuit season arrived was temporarily put on hold so I could stuff as much English food as humanly possible down my throat enjoy our vacation without being picky about my diet. Thus, not only have I not lost weight I think may have gained about fifty pounds an ounce or two.

(9) Nunyer business, thank you very much. Didn't your mother tell you it wasn't nice to ask a lady's weight? Sheesh, the nerve of some people! And while we're at it: as a matter of fact this is my natural hair color. Sorta. Kinda.

(10) Yes, I will. Photos of England, Les' and Roz's garden, Kurt's wedding, our wedding, the Butt Ugly Boat, and our beautifully tended *ahem* England-inspired garden will be posted as soon as possible.

May 8, 2009


Okay, I realize I've been a little slack in the blogging department since we returned from vacation, but hey! I'm busy. Fortunately, my penpal Dewey sends me some of the best emails which I post here for your amusement:

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

May 4, 2009

Children's Books That Didn't Make it...

You Are Different and that's Bad
The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
Dad's New Wife Robert
Fun Four-letter Words to Know and Share
Hammers, Screwdrivers, and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-it Book
The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
Curious George and the High Voltage Fence
All Cats Go to Hell
The Little Sissy Who Snitched
Some Kittens Can Fly
The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy
Strangers Have the Best Candy
You Were an Accident
Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
Pop! Goes The Hamster, And Other Great Microwave Games
Your Nightmares Are Real
Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

DR. SEUSS Category:
One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, You Bitch
Herbert The Pervert Likes Sherbet
Fox In Detox
Who Shat In The Hat?
Horton Hires a Ho
Your Colon Can Moo - Can You?
Zippy The Rabid Gerbil
The Cat In The Blender
Marvin K. Mooney, Get the Hell Out!