How to install a cat crapper in 45 easy steps

Our litter box extraordinaire arrived yesterday--a Cat Genie that automatically scoops the poop, washes the litter, flushes the waste down the drain, then dries off the litter with jets of warm air all by itself. How cool is that, eh?

Step 1. Patiently remove Cat Genie parts from shipping boxes. These babies come packed to the max.

Step 2: Guess how to make all the hoses fit into the mechanisms down below.

Step 3: Guess another way for all the hoses to fit in the mechanisms down below.

Step 4: Read the instructions, then fit the hoses to the mechanisms down below.

Step 5: Pretend to drive the little porcelain bus. You know somebody had to do it.

Step 6: Carry the mini toilet (which weighs only slightly less than its full size equivalent) to the spot where it will be permanently installed.


Step 7: Assign an engineer to hook up the water supply and the drain line.

Step 8: Then task the engineer with installing the water and drain lines to the business end of the litter box.

Step 9: Plug it in. Hang out in laundry room for the next hour waiting for unsuspecting cat to drop by and give it a go.

While we waited I pointed out to Morley how much better his life is since we met. Back in the dark times (ie, before me) Friday nights were spent at expensive restaurants having dinner with some high-maintenance chick. Meh.

Nowadays he lurks in the laundry room with me, waiting for a cat to take a crap. Isn't it romantic?

Cat Genie, The Movie:

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Cheap Ugly Furniture, Part III

When we last visited the saga of the cheap, ugly furniture, we were debating how best to solve the problem of the tiles being too big to fit into the inset where the fake leather used to be.

My suggestion was for Morley to use the router to widen the inset, a solution I considered to be fast, easy and good entertainment (for me). Morley's proposed solution was to slowly and methodically reduce the size of each tile with tile nippers, a solution I considered to be slow, methodical and painful (for me).

In the end, we chose a third solution: more power tools. Meet our new wet tile saw:

I'll grant you this saw really did make the job easier but it also added $125 to the cost of the project. And this is exactly why I try to keep Morley at least a half mile away from all home improvement stores at all times.

After a quick ten minute session with our nifty new wet saw, the tiles fit perfectly into their nice, cozy bed of thin set mortar:

And then we moseyed off to visit neighbors for an hour to two until the mortar set up, and then we commenced to add grout:

And then I disguised the tell-tale 1970's style legs with some sissal that reminded me of seagrass and the beach. But then almost anything reminds me of seagrass and the beach:

And then we performed a solemn engineering ritual (OCD much?): insure everything is absolutely, flawlessly level and even:

Yup, it's level. And so I present to you the finished guest room TV table:

A recap of the final cost of refinishing this cheap, ugly piece of furniture:

• Cheap, ugly furniture purchased at yard sale: $ 18.01


• Paint, polyurethene, rope trim: $ 45.00


• Tiles, grout, quick set mortar, misc tools for working with tiles and mortar $120.00*


• Wet saw for reducing size of tiles by a smidgeon $125.00*


• Sisal, hot glue sticks for covering legs $ 3.00
  
  TOTAL COST: $311.01

* Indicates Morley present during trip to home improvement store. See earlier notes regarding acceptable distance between Morley and local home improvement stores.

Anyway, the (formerly) cheap and (formerly) ugly furniture is now sitting in the guestroom looking fabulous and holding the television just so for your viewing pleasure.

We are ready for your next visit.

Cheap Ugly Furniture, Part II

or "What Would Norm Abrams Do?"

Houston, we have a problem.

Last night we resumed work on our (previously) cheap and (previously) ugly furniture, and as detailed earlier, we're down to (up to?) finishing the top by laying those luscious tiles in the newly deepened inset where fake leather used to be.

But now we are dealing with another problem:

The tiles are too wide to fit into the inset.

The overlap is just small enough that I can squeeze the tiles close together and moosh them in, but that wouldn't allow any room for grout to go between the tiles. Obviously something has to give, and that's where the debate begins.

Here's a closer shot that shows how much overlap we're dealing with--note where the tile is laying on top of the tape. Not much.

My suggestion is for Morley to dip into his deep stash of power tools and use his router to widen the inset just a little on each side. For a "get 'er done" person like me, this seems to be the perfect solution: quick, easy, and with an element of excitement and suspense that something might possibly go wrong, what with power tools and all. And somebody else--i.e. Morley--would do the risky deed and I would get to sit to the side watching the action while sipping wine and offering encouragement and advice.

Morley thinks that is a bad idea because there's a chance the router won't make a dead-level straight cut, thus the inset might end up being a micro millimeter crooked (we are dealing with an engineer here, and they know from what about micro millimeters) and then for all eternity our eyes would instantly be drawn to the flaw each time we cast our gaze upon the TV table. And we would never enjoy owning the TV table or be able to watch the TV sitting upon it because we would be staring at the flaw, forever and ever, amen.

His suggested solution is to buy tile nippers and delicately nip away tiny amounts--we're talking about working at the subatomic level here--until we've removed just enough material from each side of each tile until they fit perfectly. For a perfectionist like him this seems to be the perfect solution: slow, precise, methodical, and with a low risk of something going wrong. And if it does go wrong--a tile might crack!--we can recover from the disaster by buying another piece of tile. Plus somebody else--i.e. me--would help with the slow, painful, er...precise, methodical process.

And that's as far as we got with the debate last night because my brother Bratley pulled in the driveway right about then. He's in Atlanta for a few days for meetings and he stayed with us last night.

By the way, Bratley's suggested solution to the problem? Buy a bigger TV for the guestroom.

Cheap Ugly Furniture, Part I

As part of our recent furniture shuffling madness, the furniture from our master bedroom ended up in the guestroom, except for the table our TV sits on. I should mention our bedroom TV is big enough that you could watch it from space and thus nobody wanted to risk a hernia by moving it. And besides, it sorta matched the new furniture we moved in. And did I mention the TV is big enough that I can watch it over Morley's feet?

Since the TV furniture did not make the trip to the guestroom, we had nothing to hold the guestroom's (normal size) TV. As a temporary measure I used a small luggage rack, but clearly a more permanent solution was in order. What I needed was a piece of furniture of a certain size, a certain height, and a certain price (read: cheap). And where does one look for such a piece of furniture? Two words: yard sales.

Carol and I went hunting and gathering, and for a mere $18.01 (about that penny--I didn't ask and they didn't say) I bought this beauty that fits the requirements perfectly.

It was perfect except it was butt ugly, a piece of furniture only a cheap-skate mother like me could love. I knew all it needed was some paint and uhmmm...some decorating love, so I headed to Lowe's where I bought a little paint, a little polyurethane, and a little can of primer.

While I was at it I picked up two pieces of wood rope trim to add personality to my cheap, ugly furniture. This trip caused the total cost of the cheap, ugly piece of furniture to jump by $45.

Adding the rope trim required math and power tools, both of which happen to be the specialties of my Manly Man who never turns down the chance to use power tools. Or math. After he expertly measured, cut and attached the trim, he brought out his electric sander and sanded off the old finish so the primer would go on smoothly. And then he started brushing on the primer.

Apparently this had become a joint project.

Soon thereafter the first coat of paint went on--a soft, elegant sage green that makes me think of the beach, but then almost anything makes me think of the beach.

Note: although these photos seem to imply that Morley is doing all the work, do not be deceived for I am both working on the project and photographing the project.

Finally the paint was finished and I dry-brushed a subtle honey color over the rope trim to add a little dimension and some pizzaz. Morley attached the brushed pewter handles and we were done. Or "mostly done" to be more precise. We were in the home stretch anyway.

And this is what we had created thus far. Who would have guessed this beautiful thing had begun that very morning as a cheap, ugly piece of furniture?


And then we turned our attention to the question of what to do with the top. Originally there had been a fake leather inlay but we wanted to do something a little more contemporary and a lot more beachy. A trip to Lowe's for inspiration was in order, and I invited my Manly Man along even though I was worried about his ability to stick to my budget of "cheap". I was worried about this because his track record in this area is not so good.

When we walked thru Lowe's we came across this gorgeous, luscious, perfect tile:

This tile is perfect in almost every way: the perfect color palette, the perfect beachy design of seashell fossils, but not so perfect in price. Morley was struck by the sheer perfection of this tile and put a box of it in our shopping cart. The price of my (previously) cheap and (previously) ugly furniture had just skyrocketed by another $85.

Back in the garage, alterations to the inset were needed since the tile was thicker than the fake leather it was replacing. I'm not sure what he did or how he did it, but he managed to deepen the inset by the necessary 1/4th inch and he used clamps and power tools to do it with. I am unclear as to the exact details of this process so I might have wandered off while this was taking place.

After the new deeper inset was installed we covered everything in plastic to protect the paint from the upcoming frenzy of tile adhesive and grout.

...and that's what we were doing when our neighbors dropped by for a visit. And they stayed for a very long time, and then it was time for dinner, and then we went to bed. And so we'll return to our project tomorrow and I'll tell you all about it.

More to follow.